GET ME TO HOLLYWOOD, I NEED SOME SYMPATHY

I often complain about the deterioration of the quality of American thinking in this country but if that’s actually true, no one will understand what I’m writing so I’ll change it right now: Americans used to be tough but now they suck. Case in point, all these Hollywood and/or musician losers who have the world at their feet but still manage to blow it.

Yes, they suck. All of them.

Paris Hilton goes to jail for fifteen minutes because she’s so stupid, she keeps driving drunk when she could easily afford to have somebody just drive her to whatever useless public function she needs to attend. Her pal Nicole Ritchie also enjoys drinking, drugs and driving but is now completely cured because she’s pregnant. She has turned her life around and can’t wait to be a mom…until she actually has to raise the kid, and then she’ll be back on drugs in no time. Britney Spears, the “troubled” pop star, has drugs and alcohol to blame for her problems, too. I feel bad for her. Her music career may be over and she’s only 25 years old. She also only has 100 million dollars to fall back on and who could possibly live on that? The list goes on and on. Lindsey Lohan…troubled. Owen Wilson…troubled. David Hasselhoff…also troubled. Something tells me that if I had a drinking problem, I wouldn’t be troubled. I’d just be a jackass - at least that what my friends say every time I do something stupid, alcohol-related or not.

…and that’s why I need to move to Hollywood.